Alien Secretion: Just some things I really like

 I saw this ad for a drink a LOOOOOONG time ago, like the late 80s or early 90s . I was working on my PhD at the time and  I cut it out and saved it to be my celebratory drink when I graduated. A mixed drink was a luxury on a graduate student's budget and I was going to have someone else pay for it. 

A couple years later I brought the ad in to a restaurant with my family, gave it to the bartender, who after a good chuckle, brought me my drink. It was worth the wait. Of course, now that I'm a big girl I can afford to have pineapple juice, Midory, and Coconut rum in my fridgerator at any given time. :)

 

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This totally looks like barbed wire, by the way. I love it! 

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This is my all-time favorite ferret meme. So funny! Such a cute ferret face!!!

 

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THis is one of the funniest jokes ever, I think.

 

 

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This was the back cover of an obscure Pagan magazine decades ago. I contacted the artist and he sold me a print of it, which I still cherish. 

 

 

 

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I once bought this as a refrigerator magnet and I loved it, but I gave it to a person that I loved. I thought I'd be able to find it again and I never could, until almost 20 years later.

 

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 I made this meme based on true experience. I'm very proud of it. 

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        I just love this meme also, wish I'd thought  of it. Perfect Xmas card for Halloween lovers. 

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                            Another really clever meme. 

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I also love this one.

 

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My Dad really liked this poster and I don't know where he got it, but he hung it where we kids could see it every morning when we were getting ready for school. 

 

 

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 If I didn't already have a china set, and never drink or serve tea from a cup like this, I'd get a set. Really funny.

 

 

That's all, [for now] folks!

 

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The Texas Chainsaw Date

 

When I was single, I spent a lot of time on various dating apps trying to find someone. I quickly learned about the scammers. Luckily I was never scammed for any money, as I am too much of a tightwad to give money to someone I’ve never met.

But they were everywhere. SO many of them. It seemed like there were more scammers out there than actual real men looking to meet a woman. I got good at recognizing them pretty quickly, there are so many tell-tale signs.

How can someone across the country realize you are the only one for them based on your picture? I started putting in my ad “locals only need reply.” That didn’t stop them, their argument was that distance was no impediment to true love.

So I thought I’d go for “true love” angle. When they would tell me that distance was no impediment to true love,  I’d reply that I was only looking to get laid and not looking for love, true or otherwise.
That led to conversations like this:

 

One evening I thought, these scammers are so bold and relentless. I decided to  play a different game, where my  goal was to get the scammer to the point where he thought I was too crazy to deal with and broke off the conversation on his end first instead of me all the time. That led to the following conversation

Scammer:
Mariuz_¬k431 


Hello dear
How are you doing?

Me:
 I’m lonely as hell and horny

Scammer:
Are you here for a serious relationship? 

Me:

 No, I want sex three times a week and that is all
 I just want to meet somebody that will have sex with me three times a week

 

Scammer:

 

Okay we can hook up
Where do you live in?

Me:
 I live in W***  New York, where do you live

Scammer:
Albany new York Can I have some money for gas so I can drive down there tomorrow or next

 

Me:


what do you do for a living

Scammer:
I am retired from the military and you?


Me:
I am a very wealthy nurse. How much money do you think it will take to come down here?  


Scammer:

Just need $500 for gas as I want to add up for hotel bills too so we can spend 3 nights together



Me:

OK, How about I send you a check?

Scammer:
Give me your cell number let us text better and find a way

 

Me:


Sorry, I don’t have a cell phone

Scammer:
Hangout or whatsapp?

 

Me:



No I only have my computer. I have a better idea, Give me your address and  I will drive up there tonight, and I will pay for a hotel

 

Scammer:



 
That will be stressful honey
I will love to come
Can you drive out and get $500 worth amazon card so I can  change to cash and use to be there tomorrow before 10 am?

 

Me:



Oh, I will not be stressed at all to drive up there, I love to drive

Scammer:
It’s okay dear
I am the man and will love to come
Can you get the cards tonight now
Drive out and get it and I will fill my tank and get there
All you do is give me your exact address

Me:
If you are really the man, you will not need my money

 

Scammer:



I do not
Just haven’t been paid yet
We will remain friends and I will definitely get it paid back and you can always come to my house but I want to come over first
Can you help get the cards tonight?

Me:
 

Sorry, I can’t go out right now, I am too drunk to drive

 

Scammer:

What about in the morning
Then I can come at evening

Me:
I can send you  $5000 western Union, but you have to give me back $4500 of it when you come, OK?

 

Scammer:



$5000 or $500 honey
Just need $500

 

Me:


Oh my gosh, I was just talking to my friend, and she said I should never send somebody money from a dating app, and that you are probably a scammer!!!!

 

Scammer:


Wow if you say so
But I can’t just be here to steal your money
Thanks anyways   

 

Me:
What kind of a friend is she? That she would ruin my one chance at love, I am going to get my gun and shoot that fucking bitch in the head
Ttyl  

 

Scammer:
Okay dear
Should I forget about coming and not expect anything?

 

Me:

 

Yes, I will be busy tomorrow, digging a hole to bury her fat lying body, unless you want to come down and help

 

Scammer:
I will come if you can just stop by a walmart shop and get me $500 worth of amazon card
Then I can get some money and get there before 5pm tomorrow

 

Me:
OK, I will need help cutting up her body. Have you ever cut off someone’s head before? Last time I had to do this it took me two hours. I got a chainsaw, but I am not strong enough to use it. Can you do that part  



Scammer:
Lol
I can help if i get there

Me:
Oh my god I was texting someone else also, and he said he is going to come over right now and fuck me for free
Thanks anyway
He sent me a picture of his dick and it is huge
So I guess our love is not meant to be

Scammer:
Okay dear
Bye

Me:
I hope you know that I was playing and that I know you are a scammer

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So you can see I failed in my goal to get a scammer to cut off the conversation on his end first. 

Well you can't win 'em all.

Scammers were just one variety of men I met out there. There were also charmers like this:
 

Here's another winner, just for the heck of it

 

 
Luckily I have hit menopause and that part of my life is over, desire dried up along with everything else. I am truly free now.

 Time for another ferret, or maybe even a dog.  

text (c) otterwoman 2022



 

The Great Ear Candle Scandal of 1996

The Great Ear Candle Scandal of 1996

I was once at a gathering, let's call it an "environmental jamboree." There were numerous vendors, and some of them were hawking "ear candles."

Now, some people are dim-witted wherever you go, but holding a candle to peer into their ears won't make their thoughts any less opaque. Well, that was the only sense I could make of the idea of an "ear candle."

 I had never seen or heard of this before, so of course I was curious. As I watched some of my fellow gathering folk use them,   I contemplated the results... and in my capacity as a nurse, I realized they were all being hood-winked!!

It does not take a lot of medical knowledge to debunk ear candling. I will walk you through it. Let's start with an anatomical diagram of the ear canal.

The wax supposedly comes out of your ear canal. 

If you look at the diagram, you see there is only a short part of the outer ear canal that is then blocked off by the 'tympanic membrane,' or more colloquially, the 'ear drum.' 

This delicate and sensitive membrane allows us to hear. Without it, you have difficulty hearing, along with other quite noticeable symptoms. 

Here is a random picture from the internet showing the amount of wax retrieved from various people.

Your external ear canal is only about one inch long and as big around as YOUR PINKY. 

There is NO WAY all the wax you find in the ear candle after you burn it could possibly fit in there, and if you did have that much, or even a fraction thereof, it would be oozing out of your ear canal and be quite visible, and that amount of wax would be no surprise to the ear owner!

 It would be on every pillow case, all over your neck, and any place you put your ear, like your phone, and all over your earbuds!!

 Ear candling practioners want you to believe that all this wax is initially invisible to the eye, and if you look into most people's ears before you candle, you can even see all the way in to the ear drum if you look right.

 Let's look at our ear diagram again and see how small the space is.

So for all that wax to come out of your ear, you'd have to have a perforated ear drum. A perforated ear drum is no subtle thing; all the people running around getting quarts of ear wax out of their ears cannot possibly have perforated ear drums, knowingly or unknowingly.

 The signs of a perforated ear drum include: 

 -ear pain 

-Mucus-like, pus-filled or bloody drainage from the ear 

-Hearing loss 

 -Ringing in the ear (tinnitus) 

 -Spinning sensation (vertigo) 

-nausea or vomiting that can result from vertigo 

So medically, all that ear wax coming from an ear is impossible. But of course, scientists that we are, we had to do an experiment to prove our point definitively. 

You can easily perform this experiment at home, as well. You will need: 

 two ear candles

 a willing dupe 

an empty soda can

THE EXPERIMENT

 We burned one of the candles in our willing dupe's ear, and the second ear candle, our "control," we held by the opening to the empty soda can, which like the ear, has a small opening connected to a large vacant space.

THE RESULTS

Here are the results, after the candles burned down and we opened them up.

As you can see, in the experiment we conducted, the "control" candle had the same amount of wax, which is bees' wax; and melted bees' wax looks just like ear wax. 

 To the people who say they feel they can hear so much better after the candling experience: Of course you can. For the last half hour, you had your ear blocked off, like when you have an ear plug in. When it is removed, voilà! SUDDENLY YOU CAN HEAR!! 

We called our experiment and its debunking of the many ear candles for sale, 

        “The Great Ear Candle Scandal of 1996.” 

 I must say, it made us none too popular with some of the vendors. But we held our ground. After all, there was another good reason to use a soda can as a control. The similarity of the soda can to the human ear and head goes beyond the ear hole to the soda can and head themselves. Like most people who believe in ear candling, the soda can is as hollow and holds an identical amount of common sense.

(c) otterwoman 2022